Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

Ape together strong

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out