If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”