Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

The devil.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk