If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
u spoke cat all this time??????
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
when nothing goes right… go left
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.