If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
You Might Also Like
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
thats my bad
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way