If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
You Might Also Like
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
step 6: release the wall snake
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!