Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”