if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
The cashier just checked me out.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Spell check is for lasers.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.