If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Labreador
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.