If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
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Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Good advice.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …