Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.