Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.