If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Goat cheese is for herders.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.