Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward