If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.