Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

That’s fair

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.