Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.