If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
waiting for halloween be like:
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My teenage children choosing violence
