Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Damn he played himself
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more