Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
gentlemen, hear me out
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.