Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

good morning

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking