Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.