Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.