Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

happy halloween

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!