ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
When you let grandma cat sit
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.