Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Webb. James Webb.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN