Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

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My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.

He’s so confused.

“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”



“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll


Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed


When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..


Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.


Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..

Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am


Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.


He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw


“Damn girl, you look hot”


“Like a sexy little italian car”



Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.