@Jandalize

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

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@iknowplacesmp6

My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.

He’s so confused.

“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”

I’m……

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@alyssalimp

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

@QuietPsycho

When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..

@karanbirtinna

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..

Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

@SvnSxty

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

@daemonic3

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

@MissGinaDarling

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.