Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I hope this email punches you square in the face