ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
You Might Also Like
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Said the murderer.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.