ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.