ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.