@flashember

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

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@RickAaron

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

@foodfacenow

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

@ch000ch

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

@AristotlesNZ

Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.

@Angibangie

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

@PleaseBeGneiss

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

@UnFitz

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

@VodkaThursday

U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall

@RobTemple101

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.