ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
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Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.