ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
You Might Also Like
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
