Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.