Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
omg leave her alone
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.