My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
You Might Also Like
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: responds poorly to authority