Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

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My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.


wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these


Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”


Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.


Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?


Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO


How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?


Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.



“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority