Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
😅🤣😂
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.