Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
A game married people play.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything