@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.