@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.