Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Still laughing at this stupid meme

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.