Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…![]()
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation