IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
pictures of spider-man
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
#Caturday
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.