IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Pigeon open mic night.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.