IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it