Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Always

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again