Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”