Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?