Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong