[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
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Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
(2022)
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like