Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me