IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
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they see me scrollin
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31