Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

Body by burrito

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now