ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
plums roundup
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
