ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
this isn’t threatening at all
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit