IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.