Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

getting corrected

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮