Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Have kids, they said

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

Is your wife single?

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!