Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

🗽

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Thursday Thought.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.