IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”