IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
You know…for fall…
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever