Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask