IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
first you must answer his riddles
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.