IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.