IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”