IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
this post was so formative to me
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
How dramatic are you?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism