[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
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Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him