It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You Might Also Like
Coffee is ready.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Generation gap…
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary