Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
CRYING
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!