Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
You Might Also Like
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
PLEASE READ
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back