Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas